What Makes Listening So Hard?

At first, this year’s essential question at Vistamar – How can I listen effectively to build a stronger community? – seems like a simple task. You are listening to family, friends, teachers, community members, music, broadcasts, etc. all day. You are there, in close proximity, making eye contact, holding a conversation if available. No problem. Listening is a part of life, like observing, tasting, touching, smelling, and breathing. 

The challenge to this year’s question is the mindful, intentional part of listening. In many of our community agreements that we co-create, we sometimes propose, “Listening to understand” or “Listening with an open mind.” In my office, I have a framed saying that I learned over twenty years ago: “Listen with the ear of your heart” sitting on my shelf. It is a reminder to allow not just the words, but also the feelings and emotions and purpose to sink in during conversations.

This next level of listening takes time, which is our biggest obstacle in our busy, complex lives. We are so often on our way somewhere, or trying to plow through a long to-do list, to offer the time to listen effectively. We may only have time for a quick detail of a plan for later, or a flash of “Hey. How are you?” without making space for someone to respond thoroughly. You can tell when these exchanges are performative, not in the insincere way, but rather in the “I see you and I have to move on right now” way. Listening effectively generally involves the readiness to be present with another person.

Another challenge is that we are flooded with stimuli that makes it difficult to be present with a peer or community member. Our lives on our screens capture our attention. We acknowledge that this time can be uncomplicated (mindless) and/or an escape (mind-numbing). There are plenty of moments when we are called upon to listen carefully and we try to divide our attention with our screens. I notice this occurring even when the speaker is a close friend or important in our life. No judgment…this simply happens, and it has been accepted as an expected way to communicate.

When you are the one trying to communicate, you have already prepared to put yourself out there. You are likely ready for the full range of responses. But when you are the listener, you may be caught suddenly. That is a crucial moment in effective listening. Your choice to pause what you might be giving your attention to and be present with your friend, peer, or teacher. You might think this is instantaneous brain work, but sometimes it takes shifting your body position, finding a suitable environment, acknowledging others in the space. You can start to feel true listening when you are not trying to find a way in to make your point, but rather give space for the speaker to be fully heard. Initially, this may feel unnatural. This awkwardness is yet another reason listening can be challenging.

In my first few weeks at Vistamar, I have been struck by so many eloquent, compelling speakers. I imagine that their confidence as communicators, in part, was cultivated in our community. Whether they are defending a solution in Vista math or sharing a personal story in their Morning to Read, I assume that our speakers count on a receptive, supportive audience. And as we are developing new relationships with peers, teachers, and colleagues, and we begin to allow ourselves to be more vulnerable, more trusting, we hope that our stories will be handled with care. These relationships, forged through listening and the attention we grant one another, are foundational to our stronger community.

As we tackle difficult topics where there is a full spectrum of conflicting beliefs and opinions, our effective listening skills will have an impact on our community atmosphere. Topics such as the presidential election or the anniversary of the Hamas attack on Israel and the subsequent Israeli bombing campaigns on Gaza can tap into our polarities. The strength of our community will come from our attention to our humanity. We are not here to try to change someone’s mind. We listen to try to understand. We listen because others hold deeply rooted convictions that may come from sources that are not immediately apparent, and we care about them. Author of See No Stranger, Valarie Kaur states: “You are a part of me I do not yet know.” This is consistent with Vistamar’s core value to “relentlessly embrace a diversity of thought and experience”. Our extra efforts to listen effectively to build a stronger community will hold us through small and big dialogues in our ever-expanding network of relationships.